For the last two weeks I’ve been in a little bit of a mental funk.
Let me define mental funk for you: I felt EH (visualize shoulder shrug with sound).
And, I really did not want to see that I was in funk. Or see the thoughts behind the funk. And I certainly did not want to feel the feelings that came with the thoughts.
This happens to the best of us. We resist – being sad, having our pity party, just going there. Especially if we are really good at always putting on a happy face.
But the world seemed to be pushing me to go there. Especially last Tuesday. I’m sure you’ve had one of these days: If I just would have done X, my day wouldn’t have turned into a debacle.
For me it was, if I just would have ordered oil a week ago… Here are the highlights:
8:00 am. No hot water. No heat.
I call for a delivery. No delivery until tomorrow.
Night time temp predicted to be 9 degrees.
I make more phone calls. I’m getting no “real work” done.
Oil man can come. But, I need to meet him because the furnace needs to be re-started. (On account of oil going to zero!)
Oil man comes. I miss him. More phone calls. I find him.
Oil guy can’t get furnace working.
His flashlight burns out. He has to go buy replacement bulb.
Waiting. Still getting nothing done. He fixes flashlight.
He still can’t figure it out.
I call my landlord. He calls someone else.
6:00 PM Heat is on.
My nerves are frazzled.
My self annoyance is high. A debacle of a day.
Still, all day, I put on a happy face and resisted facing the funk.
It’s cool. I’m fine. These things happen. I am NOT in a funk. I can handle this…. I said to myself.
By Friday, I couldn’t not notice my funk anymore.
My mind was tired and my body was irritable.
They were screaming at me to connect with myself.
And then finally. Finally. I put the thoughts behind the funk on paper:
I just want some help.
Someone to hold my hand.
Someone to fix what I am feeling.
I’m tired of feeling so lonely.
And I cried. AND let out a huge sigh of relief.
Yep. Those are the thoughts I was resisting seeing. And the feelings I didn’t want to feel.
Why did it take me so long to see them and feel them? I’ll tell you why…
Because those are SUPER painful thoughts. And loneliness is about as yucky as it gets.
But alas, I am still here to report about it. And, noticing my thoughts and feeling my feelings didn’t kill me. In fact it saved me from the funk.
Ironic, seeing how “I thought” I wanted someone else to save me. Help me. Hold my hand. Make me feel less lonely.
And then, after I had a good cry, I had the realization (again) that we are all alone.
And, no amount of hand holding or help or fixing by someone else can or will ever make us feel better. That is our own responsibility.
And accepting, that my life is my responsibility alone, is freeing.
Because it means I get to decide how I see the world. I get to decide what I make something mean. I get to decide what I feel. And, how I want to live my life.
And just because I am alone and you are alone in that responsibility…
It doesn’t mean we can’t connect with each other, help each other, laugh together, cry together, hug, and love.
It just means that we are each responsible for our own destiny.
Sometimes when you’re in a funk it’s hard to see this.
But you will. And then you’ll reconnect with the whole world. Again.
I think I could get used to less funk and more freedom, how about you?